3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I want to make a zoo with you.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
