I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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