If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
