I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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