I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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