so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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