Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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