I wannas sexs uuuuu
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
