I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
