i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
try to milk me bitch
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