So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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