Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
