i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I will be naked everywhere
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
