Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
