There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
