A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
