I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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