Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
