My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
