:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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