i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
