pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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