its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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