I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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