Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
