just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm like, not good at living.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
