i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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