im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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