Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
