theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
