Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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