I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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