Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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