just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
