the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
