I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
