Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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