Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
