sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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