Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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