why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
