I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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