Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
