If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
