new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
