i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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