You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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