I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I seem to have left my pride at pride
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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