And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
