i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Randomize
