I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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