guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
