My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
