Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
