I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
